I used to be anorexic…

August 23, 2019

I used to be anorexic… by Victoria X Rave hello its victoria x rave i feel like its
been a really really long time since I’ve like sat down and made it like a
sit down video I’m just having a casual chat with you guys today about I guess
is this serious I guess this is a serious topic like what am I ever
serious about like I just went on a blind date today and I it was so hard
like for a YouTube video that was so hard to take it serious
no Victoria expect a if you’re new here hello I love you very very much I hope
that you’ll stay today’s video is just kind of like a little story video for
you guys in case you guys wondered and in case you guys are struggling with
something like this I want to talk about my past with inner Exia whenever I was
younger I was anorexic and it’s very interesting because there’s some mental
disorders that I just can’t understand I’m like why why do you think that way
or what like how does it get like that but then I realized like what during the
time that I was going through that it’s just not logical your your mind is just
it deceives you so much and you’re so obsessive that you can’t see beyond that
I mean you can hear what other people are saying like you look like a skeleton
it’s incredible honestly how your mind can deceive you in such a situation I
know this is kind of random to just talk about it but like I wanted to talk about
because of something that I’ve never really talked about and I know that a
lot of people go through body dysmorphia type of issues that some like that so I
thought it would be good to have an open conversation about I’m not anorexic
anymore obviously I think a lot of people who are near anorexic or bulimic
or have body dysmorphia I think they kind of channel it whenever they do
recover from it I think they’re channeling it into something else
you can channel it into a more positive thing or a negative thing but I chose to
channel it I guess through trying to eat healthy and working out and stuff like
that and I feel my body is very healthy now but I didn’t know in our say for a
super long time unfortunately I don’t know really when it stopped it’s hard to
remember I have a lot of memory issues it’s very hard for me to like pay
attention to things and it’s hard for me to get information from
about past things have happened it’s also kind of frustrating because
whenever I want to recall something like a lesson that I learned to something
it’s like that’s okay I’m gonna remember the best that I can
I’ve always been very obsessive I was even more so then I’ve done a lot of
self work on myself believe it or not okay and I really
tried to be more self aware of issues that I have to try and like control them
a bit because there are a lot of them just like we all have a lot of issues
and it’s also very hard for me to stay on topic a lot of you guys are mad at me
but I thought whenever I make videos that are just kind of like all over the
place but it’s because it’s hard for me to remember what I was talking about
yeah so I had like kind of body dysmorphia inner xef I wanted to see
bones and I don’t know why I really don’t know why if if I would like lay
down I didn’t see my bones I would get really sad and upset with myself and I
would starve myself even more like the next day and that’s crazy it’s it’s so
crazy now to think that I was like that because now well I guess I thought cuz
now I want to see like like muscle and like health like I want to have like a
healthy looking body you know anything mean but but then it was like I I guess
I’ve always strived to be the best version of myself and at that time I
thought that being super super skinny was the most attractive way that I could
be I mean it’s not logical wasn’t right but that’s just the way I was processing
life at the moment so I would count every calorie I had an account on
calorie counter and I count every single calorie every day growing up I really
didn’t have we didn’t have a lot of food anyways so it really wasn’t that hard
for me to not eat that much but when I did I’d make sure that I was low calorie
food it was like it was obsession to always be counting the calories always
wanted to my bones would be looking than me or like I got really I got pretty
skinny I think was probably 90 pounds or something I’m 5’4 my body now I weigh
like I fluctuated 125 130 pounds I still have obsessions today I’m still
like very I have a lot of things fuck this so why is this so hard but it’s
just such a struggle with life sometimes not
be able to like focus you know always been super hard on myself and I think
it’s a good it’s a good trait that’s also a bad trait I whenever I was
anorexic I would try and throw up food sometimes I didn’t want to be building
it because I didn’t want to like hurt my teeth and I didn’t want to be bulimic
you know I mean like and I would just like fill my mind with inspiration and
stuff like that and always had a low self-worth a lot of people look growing
up a compliment the way that I look and it’s really all the affirmation that I
got in my childhood so I thought that’s all that I had to offer and so I really
wanted to emphasize that I really wanted to do the best job that I could it’s
really hard for me to go back in time like that because that Tori my name is
Tori going out that Tori seems like such a different person but she’s still me
and I still have those self doubts and those feelings that me I’m not good
enough or whatever in if you guys are going through things like anorexia or
body smart yeah or in general just like depression and anxiety which I’ve had
all of them it was very anxious and depressed just remember that everybody
is equally worthy you’re not worth any less than anybody else out there
I’m not worth any more than anyone else out there I’m not worth any less we’re
all the same we’re all humans and I you know sometimes like I compare myself and
that’s not okay to do I’ve grown to a point now where it’s like I’ve accepted
myself and if other people can’t that’s fine because like I’m I’m Who I am
you’re who you are and you should be happy with who that is because it’s
unique sure not a lot of people will get it or accept me but if I cut myself then
I’ve already won I no longer have any interesting thoughts or bulimic or
anything like that I am quite obsessive sometimes with not eating certain things
and it is I think it’s a more of a positive thing try to just keep my body
as healthy as possible and it’s not in an extreme or outrageous way it’s
the way that I can still control things cuz I felt you know out of control and a
lot of people with anorexia and bulimia and all that do feel out of control and
they want to control the only thing that they can control in their lives and
that’s what they put into their body and that’s what their body looks like and
that’s what I was trying to do and lack of control just scare the fuck out of me
you know and now I kind of helpfully helpfully control things in my life I
want to control my health and my fitness and all that kind of thing and I have to
do that I have to work out every single day not because it’s not like I’m kind
of obsessed with it but because it helps with my anxiety it helps with me knowing
that I’m doing something it like it releases some happy chemicals I can
release like all these emotions and these things that I feel and it also
like challenges me and it tests me and I like that so it kind of channeled all of
that into into like fitness and health and stuff I feel bad for her I feel bad
for the past me of how hard it was on early I did honey
like I didn’t have any friends I didn’t have any affirmations it was I was mad
and I was angry and hurt like it was hurting myself I was mad at myself and I
wasn’t didn’t feel good enough and I feel bad that I had to go through that
but but really we go through these things to learn and really if you’re
sure that interaction or bleeding us know that the emotional reasons behind
it it’s not about food or about being skinny it’s about how you feel about
yourself and the love that you’re not receiving take care of yourself like
your mind and your emotions and love yourself a little bit more a lot of
times we can’t see what we’re doing to ourselves and sometimes we can be self
destructive the less heart you are yourself lest you focus on yourself and
maybe focus on other people or have hobbies or things that make you feel
happy and full and satisfied and alive and and stimulated like focus on those
things because hurting your body in obsessing over
you think are wrong with you it’s only going to make it worse it’s the law of
attraction type of thing like you obsess about things wrong things are gonna be
wrong that’s just how it goes but that is something that happened and that
something that has taught me things and it’s sad for me to see when people I I
know that I got to go through things like that but really the only person
that can pull out of it is the person that’s going through it because it’s
something to do with themselves and how they see themselves and it’s really it’s
really difficult topic and it’s really it’s a difficult sickness to have
because it’s so mental and it’s so controlling but that’s how like life is
was like a lot of things it’s it’s all very intricate but anyway that is my
anorexic story and I think it’s good to be open about these things and to talk
about them because that creates you know awareness let me know if you’ve
struggled with anything like this in the comments let’s create some conversations
I hope you have an amazing day thank you so much for being here in my channel
it’s if you’re new here it really is great to meet you anyways I love you
very much thanks restroom stay healthy okay

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