I Challenged My Eating Disorder for 30 Days
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I Challenged My Eating Disorder for 30 Days

August 17, 2019

normally at this time I would binge it’s not just about a dress not fitting I’m exposed hi I’m Kate and I have binge eating disorder according to the National Eating Disorder Association binge eating disorder is a serious and life-threatening although treatable eating disorder it is the most common eating disorder in the United States and is often characterized by eating large amounts of food quickly and to the point of discomfort as well as feelings of loss of control during a binge and shame or distress after it those with binge eating disorder may but not always try to compensate with purging I’ve had been eating disorder since I was 16 and it truly sucks over the years I have restricted over exercise binge in secret binge that night in secret like snuck down to the kitchen not eating in front of people I’ve stolen roommates food to eat in secret and tried to replace it before they could know I have skipped meals I’ve tried weight loss supplements I’ve tried every diet possible and finally I figured out how to get a prescription to a particular type of medication that is known for suppressing appetites that I didn’t need to be on and shouldn’t have been on I hated myself so much I didn’t want other people to see me or know me so I’ve been in therapy for about two years now I’m still not fully recovered but through therapy I’ve been able to at least acknowledge that eating disorders have their own voice and their own narrative that they try to tell you and the eating disorder voice is relentless and critical and mean and super manipulative to a point where you actually think you are taking care of yourself recognizing when that voice is talking is hard enough does anyone ever really want a cannoli I know that my body doesn’t need a cannoli in order to function but do I want not right now but then trying to combat what it’s telling you to do with reason is something I still struggle very much with the VAX of cannolis is in the freezer my eating disorder voice is saying why don’t you go and eat all of them you dumb fat whore which is very mean I feel like it is an innate quality at this point to belittle my own feelings and thoughts and to self deprecating so I am NOT going to do that I decided to record one month of my life where I actively tried to combat my eating disorder voice at the end of the 30 days it just so happens that I was going to be in Hawaii in a bathing suit I tried really really hard to listen to what my body needed and tried to not listen to my dickhead eating disorder voice as plans to go to dinner with my friend in like an hour and a half I’m like pretty hungry now so I should make a snack so that I don’t get crazy hungry but sometimes I just think if I wait until I’m crazy hungry that it means I earned the food you don’t think about that with a car when your car needs gas you don’t just run it into the ground so it earned the fuel I had ignored it for so long I didn’t speak my body’s language anymore I didn’t know what the hell I was egg yolky and broccoli that feels good so although it was a little clunky I was trying my best to figure out my body’s language one of my favorite things in the world is egg breakfast sandwiches the freest of range eight acres they have hopefully they’re not lying to me why did I say that just believe people since I’ve been you know practicing being a little bit nicer to myself specifically after eating I have so much more free time that’s normally I would just bed two maybe three hours just knee-deep and self-loathing I’m feeling good I’m feeling nice the thing about challenging your eating disorder voice is that it fights back really hard so I ordered a dress to wear to Hawaii it was a larger size they had on a cell is for this particular dress I can’t believe we want to show you guys it doesn’t like oh my god at all just that was in the back of my mind when I went to go get dressed the next morning okay so he changed my shirt one more time up now I’m late for work and I didn’t get a chance to even dry my hair and this happens at least three days a week and then I just it was a spiral from there normally at this time I would binge I feel so you just say that because it’s embarrassing because it’s like okay well logically if the dress didn’t fit and you don’t like the size you are why would you binge great in question I don’t know it’s like a bit of self-destruction that I can’t hide I think that’s what makes me embarrassed about not fitting into things because at least if I fit into that dress I would be like oh good no one saw the part of me I’m most ashamed about so it’s not just about a dress not fitting I’m exposed after a good night’s sleep I sort of realized that I wasn’t saying the emotions I felt after like the dress didn’t fit the main thing I felt was shame whenever someone sees me feel a little bit of shame so that sucks to say out loud but what’s the point of doing this video if I’m not going to be honest about it I’m noticing that if I don’t deal with them they just sort of stay there and find other ways to come out or turn into something else that I’m able to deal with different emotion from at work I almost started crying at my desk I’m like nervous to go to Hawaii to be Ana bathing suit I reached out to a few friends more like you know my maybe feel better exercise and I know that they’re just trying to help cuz it does exercise does increase Dortmund zip in my head it was just sort of like learned something from this if you feel that you probably are and you should go exercise it off and I know that’s not what they mean it’s just what the my brain says to me I’m just really tired of feeling like this all the time and I feel like no matter what I do or what I put into it I can’t like change my mind about myself and I wish I didn’t have such a complicated relationship with food in it exercising and body image it’s every day and I just think about it every all what a risk scared of that actually gonna change I wasn’t crying because I didn’t fit in a dress I wasn’t crying because I was eating carbs I was crying because I realized that the answer was never going to be new clothes or a smaller size or healthier food because those things were never the problem in the first place the the problem was self-worth and my complete lack of it I figured if I changed my criteria for my own self-worth maybe that was the right place to start okay so I saw a video of myself today and I saw my arms in it and I was like oh cool I’m just never gonna eat again and then I had a birthday party tonight and I wasn’t gonna go cuz normally I would just stay home and be like I have to punish myself for my arms being arms and that I was like okay but remember what you put on your wall and there’s friends so I’m going feeling a little self-conscious earlier and normally when that happened I would buy a gym membership of some sort that I would never use you have no idea how many gyms I belong to instead of doing that I went to Target I bought this picture and a journal where I wrote down like what I was feeling trying to just spend time and energy on things that matter progress progress not perfection I was feeling really good after that but I still had the big challenge coming up a vacation to Hawaii and I know how that sounds I get it I know all boohoo you’re going to Hawaii in the mind of someone with an eating disorder even a trip to paradise can honest-to-god feel like pure hell I really seriously contemplated not going not gonna go be in a bathing suit around a bunch of people that but I already bought the ticket so I was going it was really hard not to compare myself to other people there are some people with really fit bunnies walking around carrying surfboards being awesome I think I spent a lot of time feeling really bad when in reality really great things were happening so I’m gonna try to be more grateful being mindful of where I was and what thoughts I was entertaining in my head I started to have fun with my friends and really enjoy where I was it has been over a decade of bullying myself from the inside out and when you’re that mean to yourself the world seems a little bit meaner to now I’m certainly not out of the woods but I am a lot further along than I was when I started therapy I think about how amazing it must feel to wake up in the morning and not hate yourself I think about like all the things that I that I missed out on and the experiences that I could have had and that I think a lot of people miss out on too and how nice it would be if we were just taught that Worth and sighs didn’t go hand in hand I started thinking about all the things I’ve been putting off until I’m thin enough I’ve been starting to challenge that idea of when when to be kind to myself braver in my career have confidence when to start genuinely enjoying myself and I was like okay well what if I just started doing those things now what have you just started doing these things now instead of waiting until this non-existent level of enough was met it’s never gonna be met because even at my fitness I still don’t love myself if you’re alive you deserve your spot of happiness and place in this world just as much as anyone else despite what you look like yeah it just doesn’t have to be this hard that’s what she said good [Music]

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  1. Ok but what’s the difference in between this and people who occasionally eat too much is that binging? Like sometimes I go to the restaurant in really hungry so I order way more than I can eat but try to eat it all cause my mama raised me not to waste my food 😂😩

  2. WOW. What a powerful and clear look into someone's eating disorder. You are so incredibly brave for doing this and being so real in the process, and I am sure that you have touched a lot of nerves of people out there that might know deep inside that they are in the same boat, but weren't ready to admit it. Hopefully they will be able to be ready to start healing. You incredibly strong powerful woman, I am in awe of your bravery.

  3. This was so heartbreaking / relatable / inspiring. Thank you buzzfeed for creating videos that make the difficult parts of life a little easier. She is so so brave to share her story in such a raw way.

  4. But you may have to think about that fit person that walked by with a surf board may have had there own confidence and fitness story. maybe they have been working for many years to get to there so everyone has a story.

    (Lol this has nothing to do with anything but I just thought it was something worth noting.)

  5. I've just recently recovered from my eating disorder. I'm still figuring everything out but you really just have to listen to yourself and reason with yourself. I feel so much better now with myself and how I feel about my body and also my relationship with food. If you have a problem get some help or do some research, it can move mountains

  6. You are a strong powerful beautiful woman and you should never ever let anyone tell you otherwise you matter and you deserve all the happiness in the world

  7. It's really brave for you to be so open and honest with all this. <3 thanks for working so hard on being there for you because you deserve it.

  8. i suffer from binge and belemia (focused on fasting not purging)… when im upset…or stressed.. or bored.. ill either go days without remembering that food is a required substance i feel hungry my body will be like "you need food" i may even get up and look at the fridge or cabnets .. then just walk away and end up not eating at all.. however.. i go the other way.. and if its their ill eat it.. or ill search adn find something to eat and keep eating with no means of stopping

  9. I’ve had BED for about a year or so. Typically I eat in large amounts, feel really bad about it, then I’ll over exercise and or not eat completely for a whole day or skip meals. All I want is to be skinny. I’m now trying to recover and trying to eat “healthy” and in “small amounts”. It’s so difficult.

  10. I am so proud of you. I've dealt with binge eating before and it is no fun. And all i got from people was… "well just don't eat the food." when it is nowhere close to that simple. I'm better now, but the habit will be with me forever. I is just about not listening to the disorders voice. I know how hard it is to do that. So great job. Keep it up! And don't forget that one slip up is not going to ruin your progress, so try to not be mad at yourself for any mistakes you make along the way.

  11. I feel her because when someone says stop eating Incase I get sick I feel they saying to me stop eating cause your fat

  12. Thank you for being so brave and sharing this. It’s like you are talking about my life. It’s comforting to know I’m not alone even though it breaks my heart that you go through this too. You are beautiful and and an amazing human being ❤️

  13. I've never seen anyone talk about and acknowledge binge eating disorder before and I feel seen, and validated. Thank you so much for speaking out

  14. You know I really understand her. I hay the dame eating discordes for about 4 years and I am only 14 so it’s hard, it really is. You just compare y oírsela todo everybody amd Shenyang you eat overloaded amounts of food you just feel so ashame. But you know kg you fight for it and try yo always keep a positive mind you can do it because now I can say that I’ve overcome binge and I know that all of you with an eating disorder can too. Stay strong

  15. I think i might have binge eating disorder. I feel like i have the signs but idk if i should tell my doctor or therapist and I'm just kinda scared.

  16. I relate to her. I don’t relate to a eating disorder but I relate to being harsh to myself on my appearance: face, hair, clothes I’m so critical of the way I look and it makes me think the world is negative. I wish I was such a more positive person but sometimes I let myself become negative because I’m unhappy. Working at it tho 💪🏻

  17. I’ve started purging after eating my meals, and I’m always doing some sort of exercise. I cry after I purge, but it’s something I do, and i can’t control it.

  18. I have never considered myself to have an "eating disorder" – at least nothing that could be diagnosed- but when you ran through all the things you did – restricting, to binge eating, etc… I was like yup – I've done so much of that, except that I've never been in therapy when my binge eating was at its worst to actually maybe meet the diagnostic criteria. Now I have gestational diabetes and I am having to confront so much… Thank you for putting this video out there.

  19. Because of this video, I realized that I also would binge as a young child. Although, I never knew that was considered an eating disorder. It eventually progressed to both binging and purging occasionally. At that point, I was aware the purging was a disorder. It all makes sense now. I can happily say I am a lot better and focus solely on health and strength rather than my size appearance and weight. Still finding ways to combat that voice, one day at a time!

  20. After three months of restricting and eating clean, when the binge came for the third day in a row, I gave up and purged. Today. I hate it.

  21. Thank you so much for putting yourself out there and opening up. This video spoke to me so much because I have honestly struggled so much with the same things and have the same stupid voice and have had a lot of the same stupid habits. We are all worthy of love and of life no matter what size or shape or look you have, we are all enough.

  22. Clothes are the ones who have to fit in you and not the other way. The dress is not good for you and not the contrary. You are beautiful, you are good, you are the right size! 🙂

  23. I feel like the ed voice is similar to OCD voice. Am I the only one? I don't have ED but from the way She explained it, I feel like it's similar.

  24. Sorry you struggle so mutch, but this video whas very helpfull for me as i ddeal with the same things. Thanks for sharing

  25. When you write the board with what it was more important than weight, it hit me. That really helps…a lot.
    You never know how powerful your ed is, until you analize if you actually need to go and see your friends, or go to just school because people will look at you and what you're doing to your body and it makes you feel sad, anxious, etc…and it sucks.

  26. You are so freaking strong for posting this. Think it is amazing to see someone with such a big platform to share such a personal and raw experience for such a positive reason. AMAZING !!

  27. after 5 years of having EDNOS, I've realized.
    the scale should not define you're happiness. it's been a long ride.

  28. "Progress, not perfection" ….. "baby steps" …. "little battles".

    A great self help video I watched said – When you stand at the foot of the mountain, it can seem overwhelming and impossible. But if you just put one foot in front of the other, take one step and be consistent you will get to the top, so in essence it's only one step away. Another example the video talked about was alcoholics. They may never attempt to quit because they think its impossible, because they picture the weeks, months, years ahead of having to go sober. But if they just say no to the drink in front of them, and don't worry about the next one, they will succeed. So you can only tackle one thing, getting through this one meal, or this craving, or this day, don't think about what's next, just get past this one. And celebrate that success every time. Keep a record or tell someone. Celebrate winning the little battles in life. You will get there.

  29. 8:11 Legit this is me the now, I considered not going on holiday because both my cousins are so skinny that I hate looking at pictures the last time we were away because I saw myself as fat, and I still do.

    Now, two years later, my eating disorder has catalysed into psychically damaging my body, not just mentally.

    It’s horrid, I’m not happy unless I’m starving.

  30. The part from 5.48 where you cry and talk about what you feel, its exactly what i felt and i know how hard it is. I worked on myself so so much after 2 years of struggling with food. Now i can eat with no regret most of the time. There is still that voice in my head but its so much more quiet.

  31. Nothing but respect for her. I went from bulimia to binge eating and I've never been bigger than I am now 😥 I hate myself for it, don't understand it and I feel like I am the weakest most pathetic person on earth. My biggest wish is that I finally achieve my goal weight 120 lbs or rather less

  32. You’re strong and beautiful women. I felt your pain because I can relate too. I’m trying to love myself but I’m not strong enough, so thank you for this video. It lets me know that I’m not alone💙

  33. I used to have anorexia, that progressed into bulimia. I recovered but stil have te binges and stil feel tempted to purge every time I eat/binge it's fk terrible. Why tf do mental illnesses exist

  34. i never thought a video would sum up my entire life so well… i never knew that binge eating was a disorder until the definition popped up, and then i researched it and it was true! it was a real eating disorder! I felt so relieved to hear that someone finally said it, because for years i just thought i binge ate because i was a horrible person and i hated myself so much. everytime i ate in secret until i felt like i was going to throw up, i would think to myself "why am i doing this? I'm such a horrible human being" and i would just cry. you have no idea how relieved i am to know that this isn't something i'm going through alone, and that there are people battling this alongside me. thank you so much.

  35. Going to vacation with an eating disorder is terrifying, like if ur with family your never alone so you can’t not eat, you can’t workout a lot and you have no control over anything that happens ;-;

  36. I don't know what to do.
    I know I'm unhealthy, and there's so much I could do to change it. I use to be so healthy and I exercised really well and I was happy, but after a while I got unhappy. I stopped the sport I was doing because I was unhappy. There is so much I should do and can be doing to change my diet and how i feel about myself, but in probably not going to.

  37. Your my favorite person to watch on BuzzFeed, cuz you feel so relatable. Surprised your relatable in this aspect of my life. Went to therapy, for extreme self hate. Just thought "ew I'm fat, I wouldn't touch me with a pole." " Your making ppl sick seeing you" So for a year, I'd just stare at myself naked, just rage cry, till I liked myself. I battled food, by cutting out one item at a time (torture) Recently watched anime "Running with the Wind" and just said I'm ganna run 6months like them, an I am. "The key is not stopping" So I won't stop running, and keeping myself in control of eating habits.

  38. arms being ARMS! This is amazing of you to share, you’re doing so great. I’m as proud as a mama bird and I’m so happy to see you doing well ❤️ keep up the positivity, tell us more about the things you’re doing to challenge yourself, you’re an inspiration 💕

  39. I am noticing that a lot of what she feels is exactly what I feel like. I do the same thing with eating and feel the same things she feels and now I'm wondering if I have an eating disorder. I cry every time I go clothes shopping. I hate my body and the way I look and I cry over it a lot. I always feel shame over what I eat, even if it's not bad. Any tips on what to do, if anyone is out there reading this?

  40. This is me and pls do not call anyone fat or anything that you think is a bad quality about them. It can lead suicide and basically you are commimting murder.

  41. I’ve been on a weight loss journey for 2 years and it’s been so hard to challenge my views of myself. Because regardless of what size I am, I am good, kind, loved and valuable. It’s hard to remember when I feel self-loathing, but that’s what I strive for each day. ♥️

  42. You have the same energy as Rebeca Bunch from Crazy Ex Girlfriend 😀 I just feel like you were the same person 😀

  43. I kind of relate to her, but I just can't understand myself enough to say I'm having BED !

    Is anyone else having that kind of trouble?

    I feel like a pathetic, attention-seeking liar who just wants to have a nice label to cover my lack of willpower, and it sucks to be stuck in this weird "My issues are minor and I just like to label my excuses as" eating disorder "/There is something wrong with the and it IS an issue" situation

  44. THAT CAR THING WAS SOMETHING I NEEDED TO HEAR. i need to eat when i want to. i’ve deserved it if i feel hungry.

  45. "I think about how awesome it must be to wake up in the morning and not hate yourself." That hit me hard. for me it's more like I go to bed every night hating myself and wake up like "OK, new day! I can do this! I can be a better me!" But, then as soon as I "fail" in any way, all bets are off. Thank you for sharing your story and your journey.

  46. The vulnerability and humor and love radiating from this video is b e a u t i f u l 💖 it's such a cliché to say "it's what's on the inside that counts," but in reality, it is factual truth. Who you are, what you put into this world, and what you make of the life you've been given are a million times more important than the way your body looks. You are not your face, your arms, your hair, your stomach. You are the soul inside. All of the rest is just packaging.

  47. I want to do this. I think it would be helpful and eye opening. I’ve been struggling with BED for six years, and every single damn day is so hard.

  48. Whats funny is that you are really attractive the way you are. I get it though, I wish I had accepted myself 40 pounds ago.

  49. I have a binge eating disorder but I don't purge. I'm also in therapy. I try to do portion control at the moment. It's really difficult, makes me cry sometimes.

  50. I honestly can relate with this, I’ve suffered from this exact disorder since I was a child, everything you said I could relate and now that I’m dedicating to something that has to do with physical movement and exercise sometimes I feel like a fraud, like I’m not worthy but you know there’s good days and bad days and I’m trying to always be kind with myself.

  51. thanks so much for sharing your thoughts! You're such an intelligent and beautiful woman, hope you're doing well!

  52. I’m in tears because I saw this was about binge eating disorder and not anorexia or bulimia. I have ednos so I’ve suffered with all of these and binge eating disorder does NOT get enough representation so this just made me really happy.

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