Burns and Allen: High Blood Pressure
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Burns and Allen: High Blood Pressure

September 1, 2019

I’ll see you 20 minutes Oh George I’m glad we found you in I want you to meet madam Grishka my dramatic coach how do you do how do you uh you’re taking dramatic lessons well George I want to get someplace in show business I don’t want to be an announcer all my life so the last three weeks I’ve been taking secret lesson and now he is ready to show you what he can do stop there are four basic a motoring narrative as long as you’ve kept the secret for three weeks don’t let it leak out now madam Grishka I’ve got a golf date something sit down please you must watch this talented boy he will show you everything madam grease guy has talked him there barrel I didn’t dog in interpreting the drama one must understand that one is holding a great mirror up to life one must live it feel it here and when life caresses us or kicks us we must react at one instant we must reflect to the innocent joy of the happy cooing baby this man has worked for you so many yes I recognized him by his suit and then we are terrified by life’s cruelty we are beaten down by its harshness we cringe under its heavy blows he’s magnificent but he would get better well he saw magnificent he can’t get worse and then for a few fleeting hours we know the shy happiness of the groom with his blushing bride is that the bride of the groom and you must remember he’s only been taking for me a few weeks well George what did you think of it the change is really tremendous but I can’t tell you how I feel in front of your dramatic coach because you’ll charge it more money Oh uh madam Grishka I wonder if you’d wait for me downstairs please very well right goodbye mr. bell goodbye madam brisket Oh George hello just a minute what she’s gone so are you what you’re really going and don’t come back this is this is George Burns I was a little delayed so will you tell the boys in the locker room I’ll be right there Margaret Oh Jo I was afraid I missed you well with a little luck you would happen I’ve got a golf date I’m kind of late well George I won’t waste any of your time good because the boys are waiting what the George you see the accountants Club of which I’m recording secretary as well as chairman of the entertainment committee is holding its regular monthly good cheer meeting well I hope you all have a good chair and give them a good cheer from the air well George I fear that won’t not be on a lot tonight and that is why I’m here you see I have been commissioned by the club to invite you to make a speech tonight and as they so naively put it to entertain Harry tell them I’ll be there I’ll positively the George understand I would nothing like that on anybody else on my brothers GPAs you don’t want me they want me tell them I’ll either anything to tell you for a moment just long enough to give you this list of some of our more important memories I’ll look it over I well on my way back from the golf course now study it carefully try to learn some of the intimate details of our members lives where the family is our hobby I will and that way you can select some of your so-called humorous quips that will actually be apropos now Harry let go of the bag for instance would be a humorous comment to make about mr. Spalding he is our retiring president has just bought a new car well I’ll make up a very funny quip about Lester small Hitchcock how about a quip at Donald Cooper’s expense well as long as I’m tripping about Lester spalling scar I’ll cite me throw equipped Donald Cooper’s waiter because he is one of our more important members he loves to go Ducklin say it what’s the only thing is about he plans a duck hunting trip his wife comes down with a high outside that to us well I thought you might suggest that he planned to go be hunting in that way his wife’s hives would come in handy and I get it and I’ll say it Harry let go PA hi second George do you know Gladys Longworth Gladys long right no good then you can tell me what to get for the baby shower we’re giving her what is hash Blanche well I suggested a layette oh well the branch knows Gladys and she’s prejudiced I want an impartial opinion well is it a boy or girl well of course Gladys is a girl Rosie couldn’t have had a baby I mean is the baby a boy or a girl oh it’s a boy but the above my opinion is prejudiced well why don’t you get him a TV no George I saw the baby he doesn’t need one he hasn’t got any teeth yet I speak a rattle he’ll be fine wonderful I didn’t uh why don’t you get him a layette and I’ll pay for Oh wonderful good yeah but that was my idea but you didn’t have any money well goodbye yeah look of course oh no Josh look I’m using the car and you have to stay here and wait for mr. Johnson the plumber I called him how drainer stopped up why can’t you do it because I’m going to the baby shower what I want to play golf look George you can play tomorrow but Gladys won’t have another baby for five or six months no honey that’s at least nine months oh that was a first baby I’m sure she must have learned how by now this Gracie doesn’t always take my car sometimes she takes Ronnie’s then Ronnie takes mine but when you’ve got a family and friends the only way you can be sure of playing a game of golf is to be marooned on a desert island and build your own golf course but with my luck just when I’d be teeing off Gina Lollobrigida would be washed up on the island and spoiled my friend every time I make bland something always happens to spoil it like Robert Burns the poet once said that the best laid plans of mice and men are rub best laid plans of mice and men oh how can I remember it when he forgot to finish it but my father never played golf but he loved to take long walks and of course my mother always made him take us kids with him and there were 12 of us and he used to walk us up and down alleys he was afraid to walk us on the street for favors boss might see him and think he wasn’t keeping his mind on his job now most women refused to understand that their husband’s interests are very important like this woman I was real reading about she wanted to divorce her husband because he sits on the beach all day looking at bathing beauties through binoculars what does she expect the man happens to be a lifeguard I guess when you’re the head of the family you expect to be kicked around a little bit although I’m better off than one father I heard of his family wanted a new car and to save up money for it they put the father on a strict diet but I guess the diet was too strict because he starved to death before they could save up enough and this bull family had arrived to his funeral in their old car what those are father’s problems you’ve got to be able to laugh at yourself especially if you happen to be your father Dutch monologues yeah I’m so glad we went was a lovely baby shower and so many presents you know I think you made the right decision when you bought those little knitted booties for the baby they were the perfect fit for both places most places well they were the right size for the baby’s feet and then when he put his foot in his mouth they were the right size for that too yeah like a joy head oh I see mr. Jannsen in the kitchen well I’ll talk to you later right oh hello missus very Oh I’ve just come from a lovely baby shower wherever you come from it’s always nice to see you you well thank you bang Oh fine fine the drain was just a little bit stopped up oh no wonder stopped up look how bad it is I think I’ll be fixed before Danny and I I hate to use dishes and leave them stacked up why don’t you worry about that mrs. Byrne all you need is a little washing oh no no I don’t think so while George isn’t little he’s very good at it those right in here I’ll have this done in a jiffy oh good I should be finished already but it still wee bit nervous today why are you so nervous mr. Jannsen sit down and tell me all about it thank you well I have an appointment Seth known to see a doctor who’s going to examine me for some insurance and doctors always make me nervous oh really oh just the very thought of going to one just makes me shake and twitch all over in the pot a strain on your coveralls buddy well the examination won’t take long yes but I’ll never pass I get so nervous whenever a doctor examines me you always says your blood pressure’s too high oh well you’re tall enough so if it’s no higher than you are a phone show yes I wish they saw it that way I’ve tried to get insurance for 10 years now but I just can’t very important to me too because it means security for my daughter’s so it’s really got you worried certainly knows well know who’s the doctor you’re supposed to see well I’ve never met him Spence but have his card oh dear doctor JJ Powell good um now I’m some pipes in the basement needs fixing so by the time you’re done with them I’ll see that you get your insurance I don’t know how you’re gonna do it mrs. burns but I’m sure you will because when you set out to do it you you always do it and it’s so done what’s wrong with the pipes well there’s one that’s leaking and I am I don’t know which one it is oh I’ll find it I’ve had problems like this before but I always lick them well would you see which one is leaking huh it’s a bot now how will I do it the doctors never seen mr. Jannsen doctors never seen George so well I’ll tell the doctor George is mr. Jackson George is bound to pass he’s so healthy he has practically no blood pressure at all up here Gracie’s home might be able to get to the golf course hello this is this is George Burns again tell the boys I’ll be right there well I’m glad you’re home George the golf course you have to stay here because dr. Powell is on his way over to examine you dr. Powell yeah why would he examine me well that’s the way it’s done it would be pretty silly if you examined him no look look here’s a man who went to high school for four years into college for seven years and you want to examine he and a woman were jamming anybody but why would he examine me well why not you he has no idea what you look like Oh mr. Jansen either or anybody else for that matter what is he examining me for for insurance but I’ve got a show well sure because your blood pressure doesn’t go up in his death I don’t care if the doctors go shop for it goes down I’ve got all the insurance I can pay for well maybe you’ve got too much maybe after the examination they’ll stop paying you why would they pay me he’s still alive oh sure you are so when the doctor gets here you move around and do everything you can think of to prove it back in the sand trap again how do you do I’m dr. Powell I was looking for a mr. Jenson oh yes this is where he lives come right in I’m miss housekeeper oh well I’m afraid I got the wrong address the name under the doorbell set burns uh oh yes you see there yeah and they’re the people who make the doorbells and they’re very proud of their work lovely home I didn’t realize the plumbing profession paid this well well Plumbing is very profitable you’d be surprised how many people have it in their homes you know I can’t help feeling there’s something about you that’s very familiar oh don’t get any ideas we housekeepers a very respectable dock you will tell mr. Jansen I’m here I’d like to get on with the examination yes you’ve been the dad I’ll take it to him oh well by the way doctor mr. Jansen is very sensitive about being a plumber so please don’t mention it to him I understand he’s probably sick of all those jokes no no what he’s sick of not getting any laughs right this way the doctors here time to come right up alright sweetheart well when you’re a housekeeper for a man you get to be very friendly with them this way doctor that woman is quite remarkable thank you we’ve loved each other for years interesting you know you also look familiar I’m sure I’ve seen you someplace before have you got a television set or do you fix those two yeah I’m also designing for ladies felt hats well if you don’t mind we’d better get on with the examination now mr. Jansen if you’ll just strip to the waist doctor it wasn’t such a cool day I’d go along with this situation what I’m not mr. tins no no you’ll find mr. Jansen down on the Faceman right around the back of our house I’m mr. burns oh well if I ever need a doorbell for my house I’ll certainly give you a call George Burns I’ll be right back and try to figure out an answer for that last one Oh doctor did you uh did you examine mr. Jamison I certainly did Oh wonderful house I’m gonna get his insurance I’m sorry I had to turn him down he’s suffering from hypertension extreme nervousness and every attempt should be made to humor him and keep him calm goodbye oh dear I better get everybody together and tell them Oh Gracie honey we were so shocked to get your phone call I had no idea with so ill oh yes George is so bad the doctor wouldn’t give him any insurance I should have known the poor man was sick when I heard some of those jokes he told me it’s such a wonderful boss I’m gonna miss it Oh hold it hold it my father can still smell the flowers I mean he’s nervous it’s our fault oh he’s aggravating him and asking him for favors you know Ronnie is right for instance this morning there he was with his golf clubs and Gracie and I left him here and went to a baby shower yeah we should have taken him with us anyway he’s a wonderful man and kind and considerate and unselfish and tricky let him have his own way about everything you know if I was a mean person I go downstairs and take advantage of the situation which is exactly what I’m gonna do George did so many fine things like the time hee hee hee your noble things right Harry noble things just like like the time he did a wonderful thing right Bugzilla Oh any number of wonderful things like like wonderful things right lady Molly thank you something who’s your father I will he gave me my allowance every week without an unkind word and even when you had to use unkind words he still gave it to you I was just on my way to play a little golf I thought the fresh air might help me ready was sit down but I thought the fresh air would would I’ll fix you an eggnog an egg nur I have I look that bad oh no no dear you know you look just fine so I’ll only use 5 eggs George we got you some fruit oh thanks Blanche no grapes Oh we’ll get you some seedless seedless George dude I brought you these flowers you you really love me don’t you Harry George I’ve always loved you of course since I’ve been taking lessons I show it much better George give me that list I’ll carry on for you at the dinner tonight take it out of my pocket it’s too heavy to lift the poor man interesting story then the doctor never examined mr. burns no of course not then mr. burns send him down to examine me I got nervous again and up goes my blood I didn’t get any insurance no but I did find that leaky pipe be there at 8:30 you unfunny humorist those grapes I wouldn’t give you a bag of banana skins I will now show you contempt why you cheap tricky sneaky miserable awful rats and I am not acting well go ahead aren’t ya aren’t you and Ronnie gonna say something yeah would you like to go out and play some golf I’d love to well then go ahead enjoy yourself have fun and that our caddy for you nice and John stare after the game if you want to stay at the club then play some bridge dude thank you Dad I don’t know what’s going on but who am I to argue with a happy ending thank you thank you thank you thank you very much Oh Gracie who will it be tonight well let’s talk about my grade and rhinestone lil rhinestone oh yes in the gay nineties she was the queen of the showgirls in San Francisco oh she sounds very interesting Oh judge you should have seen him with a smallest waistline in the whole world and her gorgeous blonde hair was piled high at a big pompadour and those classic features were framed in a purple face she had the perfect URL to get her waistline like that it costed how to be very tight did she have a good shape well when she finally got accosted on it was 40 1240 what was it before she got it on 32 28 32 and that became 40 12 40 yes when she squeezed the middle it had a go either up or down did she ever have an hourglass figure well she did when she was young but as she grew old who had began to look as if Ollis added running to the wrong end I can see why she was the toast of San Francisco oh you’ve just never seen anybody so popular wherever she went men threw themselves at her feet she must have loved that nice editor yeah she had a con in one foot when they threw themselves out it it hurt like crazy but men did fall madly lover well when she went out with most of her admirers she wore evening slippers off when she went out with the count and the French count that is she wore riding boots well why was that well other men like to sip champagne out of her slipper but the count was a very heavy drinker what kind of an act did she do on the stage well she sang a little and danced and for the big finish of Iraq she did take off both her garters and thrilled them to the men in the audience and then what would happen oh nothing she just walked off the stage in her wrinkled stockings did she ever get married oh yes yeah she married a millionaire and they were very happy for a while but her husband was killed in a terrible accident what kind of an accident he was standing too close to her when the strings of a closet broke appearing on tonight’s show were Howard McNear as mr. Jannsen Valerie Allen has Verna Mason peg Helius as Madame Grishka and Don dill away as dr. Powell furs by Edwards and Crow

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  1. Thank you a thousand times for uploading these, jefronty! I am really enjoying them. The Burns and Allen show is one of my favorite classic TV shows. 🙂

  2. Thanks again! @ 4:00 w/ Larry Keating – my blood pressure went RIGHT UP! but I don't want my B.P. UP right now.I think I picked the wrong episode… I gotta go…

  3. Outstandingly funny display of classic acting techniques by Harry von Zell. His acting coach was wonderful too, and George's back and forth with her while watching Harry was priceless. The jokes fly fast and furious, I love when George is frustrated.

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